Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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