I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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