I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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