she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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