you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
