The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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