I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sorry my hands just texted you
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
