just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Found the puke drawer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize