she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
