I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
