Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
