there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
