Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
