Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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