i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
