we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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