you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
