wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
