Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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