I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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