Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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