I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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