So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize