It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
