hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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