I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My life is pants optional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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