Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
