your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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