need another drink. this is the easiest way
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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