The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
