Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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