so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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