Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
honey bunches of taint.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
