alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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