Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I FOUND THE LEGS
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
