i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found puke in my bra..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
