the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think a kid would responsible me up
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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