Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize