Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
