He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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