dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
