yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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