I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
