I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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