ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
