there's paper in my vomit.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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