I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
