Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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