I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
