last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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