Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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