i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
