I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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