My room smells like vodka and shame
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
