I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
