I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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