My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
