omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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