saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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