I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
