I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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