New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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