If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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