Rock
Scissors
Fuck
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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